stillfresh

josh on the american legal system -

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:08:24 GMT

im not down with this whole assault with a deadly weapon law. what if i want to beat the shit out of someone with a beachball?

not such a literary device

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 04:50:18 GMT

so, if you're reading this you probably know all about my employment, if not i work at the anual giving program which basically functions as a means of academic fundraising for the university of oregon. i remember before i began work i asked bj how easy it would be to get fired. he said impossible and that the only kid that ever got fired would pretty much just show up to work and sit in front of a computer and occasionally play with spiders. i thought that was fantastic. i figured i could just sit back and let the non-pledges accumulate, not that im trying not to get pledges. so anyhow, i, being a firm believer in archetypical occurences was sitting at work tuesday evening when i suddenly saw a spider. immediately the thought, "i wonder if i'll get fired today" ran through my mind. about 0 pledges and 45 minutes later my boss came up and took me to a more intimate setting. she gave me an ultimatum stating that if i did bring my pledge rate up to standard for my group that i would be fired in a fortnight. i always theorized that authors didn't actually realize that they were creating obscure metaphores and allusions, as well as archetypes, and simply thought that because they were so in tune with the collect conscienceness that such literary devices simply came to page naturally, as though the author was unaware. this spider obviously represents the archetype of getting fired and thus proves my theory correct. next time i'll discuss ciggarettes as a device for time.

what up

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 22:16:06 GMT

so i haven't updated for about sixty eight years. since the last post i went to europe, smoked pot with mother for the first time, started school, and got a job where i make nice elderly folks very cantankerous. last night i called kristen to see what she was up to. she invited me over for dinner. i fill my backpack with garbage and start biking my way over to her appartment. the other night i was biking home and made a sudden turn in the parking lot outside of my place. unfortunately it was dark and i couldn't see a concrete barrier on the ground, one might say, "ipsi laki." so im flying over the handle bars and land on my hands doing a moch cartwheel, leavng me with bloody palms. anyhow, last night, im biking down a hill and literally the only thing seperating me from being in front of her appartment is the driveway to an alley way. suddenly there is car in front of me. it must have been pulling out very quickly because i did not have time to even hit my brakes. im not exactly sure what occured during impact. when i opened my eyes i was face down on pavement on the other side of the car. my bike was also on the other side of the vehicle. i remember looking over at my big head phones on the ground and being really amazed that they weren't broken. i also had my ipod and my laptop. im pretty sure these things are broken, just very shaken up and a little bit concerned for my health. i opened my backpack and took out a pen a notebook and told them to write down their information. i called kristen and told her to go outside because i got hit by a car. she seemingly materialized next to me. i love a girl that can run outside quickly to make sure her man has not gotten dead. i went to the hospital and found nothing was broken. however, it is very large and throbbing, perhaps it thinks it is the wrong body part. jk. now i have vicadin. unfortunately drugs cannot heal the pain in my heart, i leave that to the settlement check. it should cover the medical bill and the MIP i acquired a few weeks ago. funny how the legal system likes to jirk you around like. i know these were christian folks because they were dropping their daughter of at the onyx house, a notoriously conservative living space. weekend hijinks comprise dressing up like pirates and being very sexually frustrated. my point is, they're not jewish. if they were spanish or somalian, i would probably just have walked away for fear of violating social mores.

oh snap

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 22:12:59 GMT

i remember back in middle school when i played basketball, my mother's only advice to me was, "josh, try to play like the blacks kids." to this day i wish i was black.

nothing pays the bills

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 07:50:25 GMT

i had an oral examination today for my spanish class. i was sort of nervous because i had the whole weekend to study but i didn't. i picked probably the best student in the class to be my partner. this did not comfort me entirely. we got together about an hour before the exam to study. this was all the studying we did together. throughout the hour we just kind of joked around and basked in the lovely weather. we took the test. i was pretty nervous and stumbled on my words. looking back, i have no idea what we talked about, i just remember saying i don't eat meat because it will make a difference in the enviroment. i received a B+. it seems to me that putting effort into things is just a waste of time. as far as personal relations goes, this logic still holds true. if anyone ever confronts you and seems upset, just assume you didn't do anything wrong and then ask, "what's this really about?" i said this once to my father after he accused me of selling pot. he got really pissed off. if ever people get upset with me, it's awkward because i usually don't care about why they're angry. im sure this attitude will lead to very bad things. if i drink enough, im totally oblivious. what's the deal with passive aggressive people and why are they mostly women? im glad i have a penis.

happy valen-jew

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 07:14:23 GMT

so apparently saint valentine was really big on killing and torturing jews. i know this because there's a jew at my work. i don't think i'd mind the holocaust if they let me smoke weed the whole time. i didn't get anyone anything for v-day and now i feel like a jerk. Toni, you gave me a valentine and i love it. this entry goes out to you Toni, holla.

What would Josh do?

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 09:44:39 GMT

i stole an apron from work today. i really hope i don't get fired. apparently some young woman got fired for stealing an icecream cone. im not sure which is the greater offense. today there were some people were talking about not consuming meat. one of them said they would keep eating eggs, because there's apparently nothing else you can eat for breakfast that contains protein. i butted into the conversation and said she should eat more beans. she said beans are shady. i've never felt closer to another human being. let's take a poll. if i stole an apron from you, and there was a chance that you knew i did it, would you fire me? i certainly wouldn't fire you if the roles were reversed. i would fire Jake Cash for not smoking pot. the tables have finally turned to my advantage.

i luvs the womens

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 07:52:58 GMT

my job is definetly employment, no doubt that they are paying me for my services. so today at work, first, im changing some type of food product for another one of equal or greater value (i work in a cafeteria). some dude is asking for sour cream when this other fuck comes up beside him and shouts, "yeah! four more years!" usually i'd laugh but i knew he was serious. i was later informed that he is the head of the student republican group at the u of o. so i chime in and say, "yeah seriously, what would the world be without bush?" they just kind of look at me. i walk to a different area and hear one of them say in the distance, "only two more years of being surrounded by these retarded liberals." anyways, i'm serving people food when this young women asks me about some type of exotic chicken. i, of course, advocate on the side of the defenseless chicken, which happens to be named something like new orleans pineapple chicken with rice. the young woman responds with, "I pay thousands of dollars to go to school here, i don't want to be forced to eat some Aunt Jamima bullshit." and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. she and a friend of her's slowly walk away. when the two are about a good 20 feet away i yell at a considerable volume, "well if you don't like Aunt Jamima then you're a racist." one of my only black co-workers happened to standing about four feet away from me when i said this. i wonder what her take on the situation was. so, keeping in mind these two groups of brilliant minds, one week ago from today, im doing the same position serving food. i get back from a break and press on this box of antibacterial hand solution (not a soap dispenser mind you, the type that does not require water that you just kind of rub your hands together) i press this with one hand underneath to catch the soap. nothing comes out so i hit it really hard. it comes out this time. however, the force of me pressing this shoots the solution down to my hand, maintains its momentum, deflects off my hand, and sprays all over the f#@$%ing food im supposed to be serving. i look around and there's no supervisors to see what i've done and suddenly there's a line of people as long as a bus. so i shrug my shoulders and start serving people food with antibacterial in it. on the one hand i would feel bad if someone died, but on the other hand they attend u of o, meaning there's about a 99.9% chance that they're some dipshit from tigard or some other focal point of wisdom. thank god for a president that realizes gays and iraqis don't have souls.

lush police

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 02:46:40 GMT

so last night I got really drunk and blacked out at roni's birthday party. according to seth, on the walk home I called jake for no real reason in particular, probably just to see where he was. anyhow, midway (I use the word very liberally mind you) through the conversation i made it my goal to get jake to say nigga. apparently i was laying on my back in the parking lot of my apartment screaming the n-word trying to convince jake to say it. according to him the conversation went something like, "come on jake, just say it once for me," and eventually he walked outside of where ever he was and said it. i followed up him saying it with, "now say it louder." all the while this is going on seth is also laying on his back trying to kick himself up to standing position. this is around 5 in the morning. the next morning i wake up to the sounds of jake and seth telling me i have to be at work in a few minutes. jake said he heard me vomiting the night before. i told him i didn't vomit, but then i looked in my garbage can... work sucked like flies on a dead squirrel. one day i'll dead and burried and will probably look back on times like this and then become melancholy by the fact that no matter how much i dwell on it i'll never be able to appease the constant pain of longing. life is incredibly cruel.

the grass is always greener

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 03:50:14 GMT

is eating out of dumpsters wrong? im not starving, and im not particularly well off (thanks poor parents). i think the idea not only proves my status as a devoted granola hippy, but also as someone who knows how to be resourceful in times of abject politics. personally, i don't think Kerry would do that much better of a job. part of me actually thinks that he was in on the election and that there was no real election. on top of things i keep having dreams that zombie aliens want to probe the earth for oil, and all the meanwhile im fixated on obtaining a digital camera to take pictures of the odd turn of events. maybe they'll destroyed america and take me to the Vatican where I'll doctor up some old gothic churches and have every christian left in the world worship hempseed oil. woody harrelson would be proud. but anyway, so i throw away such ridiculous amounts of food in the process of working in a university dining hall. how sad i once was at the sight of starving children with swollen stomaches, their eyes beckoning me and then watering. what kind of would photographer would i be, not so much in real life, but on a deeper, more stream of conscious, droning on and on level. the real question is: do i buy the camera and just assume that i won't quit or get fired from my job, or, not buy it and spend it all something else. i mean seriously, im pretty set as far as sustenance is concerned. also, i think it's about time i got a dose of reality and changed my major to something more practical. i mean, come on now, romance languages?! maybe i could major on writing articles for newspapers in the bermuda triangle. that reminds, anywhere on campus there is the potential for wireless internet. i realize that i know absolutely nothing beyond the realm of... well, i think i have good heart, when it comes to....well, im usually pretty good about returning phone calls when im not too irritable, so yeah wireless internet everywhere! i thought cellphones were supposed to bad for me. what's worse is i think im probably gonna need to get my right leg amputated. it's been a shitty past few weeks. Springbreak, who'se up for visiting canada?

god bless this mess

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 21:49:33 GMT

wow, republicans. in my whole life i've met very few right wingers that are honest with themselves. they all hold ideologies like, "war is good because it will insure that america receives the chinese car market", or "why not vote for Bush, it's making my family richer," or "rich people shouldn't pay taxes because they're the ones who work hardest for their money," or "if minorities wanted to rise out of poverty they would take school more seriously," i guess that last one strays from the point but i still like it. i guess in some light, i can sympathize with these views, some more than others, however, the quote that i appreciate and respect the most was from the mouth of johny gorny, via andrew gorny, "john carry wants to turn america into europe, this is a horrible, rapist country. that's what i like about america. if someone doesn't want that type of country they should move to france." well played johny. i think in many ways this stance is utterly accurate. we've had a shit-fuck government for years and it's it's gonna get more shit-fuck in years to come. well johny, i don't think i'll live out my days in france, but i can still dream, dream and complain about how i live in rapist america and want to live in france. andrew gorny gets a blurb for razzmatazz, the finest raspberry tobacco outside of france. hats off to the gornys.

life is amazing

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 19:45:50 GMT

im thinking about coming out with a new line of bumber stickers.

1. "fuck the animals, im vegan for health purposes"

2. "my other car is in your mom's pants"

3. "double stranger rocks!"

who likes spanish? i know i do. Lenny Breau is rad. P.S. i need digital performer and reason, and if possible cakewalk, i know nobody reads this, but just typing it feels cathartic. whose looking forward to go back to school... tengo esperanza por el ano segundo, disunfortunadamente no puedo tocar espanol 211.

new move

Mon, 24 May 2004 01:22:55 GMT

thought you've seen it all and done it all before, well i got a new move for the bedroom that's lost it's flare. im sure you've of the classic stranger self-gratification technique before. i was pondering this when it dawned on me: if i had someone else sit on their hand and then jirk me off, not only would they not feel it, but i would! i call it the "double-stranger." i'd recomend this tactic to anyone who isn't a loser and gets handjobs or losers that do get handjobs. also, i invented this classic seducting so anyone who wants to publish this manuever or post it on a public forum needs to personally consult my homepage, www.lemonparty.org.

for goodness sake

Sat, 08 May 2004 18:55:49 GMT

i went to one of my classes early. it was this new room for viewing movies. the teacher said, "isn't it nice?" i responded with thankyou. for about 3 seconds i thought the teacher said, "you look nice" and didn't make the connection that this was odd until after the transaction took place. i felt really uncomfortable and asked where the restroom was.

livejournal? more like livejornal

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 08:40:38 GMT

so i get really faded with a buddy and bike to duck's villiage. eventually i end up at my friend rachel's birthday where the drinking does everything but subside. i see this young woman, we'll just call her annette, and i've heard rumors about her and my friend....uh we'll call him dennis, hitting it off pretty well. the only thing i can remember hearing her say is something about wanting to know where dennis was. of course in my drunken haze i saw the perfect situation unravel before my eyes. later when dennis arrived i invited him to brunch and told him he should invite annette. becca shoots me this look like im fricken nuts or something, so naturally i reiterate what i had just suggested but did it about twice as loud. dennis is now looking at me like im crazy. soon he will be gone, somewhere out of my range of vision. becca taps my shoulder and informs me that annette is sitting literally inches to my left. to my chagrin. i was completely unaware of this. i can only imagine what is going through everyone's head, i certainly knew what was going on in mine. i forget what happened after that.

* * *

the next night i was in a situation just about if not more awkward. by now dennis and have made ammends and no harm is dealt. a circle is round and has no end. we agree that the whole misapprehension will have absolutely no negative corrolaries on our immediate future. alcohol is in the air. between about 10 and 12 shots and a couple o' beers. the two of us walk to another party. we are both loud and obnoxious. dennis says "hi" to some ladies. we decide that we should pay good ol'rachel a visit before we go to the party because her house is on the way. as im pounding the fuck out of their front door, dennis is hitting the window and yelling through it. we are let in and bj falls up against some closet doors. im trying to play it cool and maintain a somewhat intellectual conversation with rachel but bj keeps signaling to me that he wants out. yes dennis is really bj, big surprise. normally such an effusion of drunken misbehaving would be considered witty or sly, but not when rachel's roomate's parents are present. i could tell they were thrown off by the whole event. they had a dog with them. i wanted desperately to play with but bj wouldn't let me, bastard. we leave. i am driven to the brink of discomfort by the thought of how bitter these wonderful young women are at bj and myself, but probably more bj. what a goof. the next party is cool. i drank tobasco sauce yet again in the process of making myself inebriated.

just thought of this

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 00:46:10 GMT

Q: why don't m & m's melt in jesus' mouth?

A: because they fall through the holes in his hands.

john steinbeck sucks and christians are destroying the world

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 00:35:24 GMT

what an odd spring break this was. yes, for once i'll address the subject of my update. so im reading the grapes of wrath thinking to myself, "wow, it's really no wonder that this crap is assigned to middle schoolers." not to say the book doesn't illustrate great points on the rise of capitalism, i don't feel at all challenged and i don't consider myself a very intelligent person. and to top shit off i left my razor at my house. i probably look like some type of rodent-canine creature but im not sure because im too apprehensive to look in the mirror. i lost eminem's first cd which is actually really fricken dope. im thinking that the best way to learn about yourself is becoming emerged in a variety of different types of music. there is something to be said about people that only listen to one artist. anyhow, i called my friend abe, who i want to start a band with, asking if he could burn me the cd before i departed back to eugene. but, being a gentleman about the situation i asked how his break went. he went to disneyland and had fun. then naturally he asked me what i did. i told about how i went to benji's cabin and encountered problems i usually don't come across. never underestimate the value of teamwork. what's good for the group is good for the individual. maybe steinbeck had a point. william faulkner though, he's a pimp. southern america at it's finest from multiple perspectives and non-linear plot developement-good god this guy's fuckin nuts. kind of funny that he was only an alcoholic and never really dabbled in psycadelics. maybe that just wasn't happening in his day. it's kind of funny to think that a one point in time people actually didn't know what it meant to be homosexual. gay marriage is koshe in my book. leave it to the christians to have horrible politics and no charractor. i'd like to end this entry with a prayer: dear lord, please protect the world from your ignorant followers who have grossly misinterpretted your teachings and started a war with muslims. to me it would only make sense that your son's first words of advice, "love one and other" would pertain to fags and towell heads as well as their rich white conservative brothers.

WHAT THE F???

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 19:23:03 GMT

anyhow, back to the story. so after this army of silkworms is crawling on my ceiling i kind of lose any type of pertinent memory, just flashes, bits and pieces. for a really long time i thought i was in my friend jake's basement. i kept crawling around in the dark knocking over random things which i thought were musical instruments or equipment. it was also hard because jake's parents who i fear like no other adults were sitting right outside the room working on a bike or something. i wasn't sure exactly what i was crawling toward but later i had an uncontrollable urge to urinate. suddenly a sink appeared in the middle of the room and i asked if i could pee in it. of course jake being the sweet kid he is said yes. the next morning there was a puddle of urine on my carpet. i grabbed some dirty clothes to soak up the moistness then i sprayed some air freshener on it. im pretty sure it's dry now.

son of a bitch! im so fuckin vegan

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 04:51:10 GMT

anyhow, to those of you who read my last entry, you may recall luke's mother and i had a disagreement as to the tolerance of the catholic church, more specifically the one she attends which is the same one right off campus here(the newman center). anyhow, collin asks me one day if i'll go to church with him and i agree for whatever reason. so during the part where everyone gets a chance to say their own prayer and the whole "lord hear our prayer bit," one person says, "to the evils of abortion and all those affected by it." right after this prayer comes, "that the problem of homosexual marriages may soon be solved." so mrs. zimmerman, where's your god now? so much for the newman center being tolerant. then again these prayers came from people in the audience and not the preachers, but then again(again), the chances that these views are a reflection of what they're taught seem really high. once i ate a ton of benadryl and got really high. i was sitting on the floor in the middle of my room when i noticed a tapeworm swinging around on the wall. i knew that if the tapeworm came at all close to an opening in my skin that the consequences were potentially negative. a moment later i saw a small swarm of flies engulfing a shoe of mine. i remember the shoe made the back of my right foot bleed for some foolish reason and just assumed that the flies were blood thirsty. (once a ferret tastes blood it is ruined as a house pet). i took the shoe, opened my door and dropped it right outside. next thing i know, im lying in bed staring at the ceiling when my room begins to gradually get darker. i notice a silk. i do not fear the silk worm because at the time im rational enough to realize that silk worms would not intentionally harm a human being. next i notice there's surprising abundance of silk worms crawling on my ceiling. as the room grows almost pitch black the army of silk makers begin to glow neon purple. that's when things got really weird.

stay tuned for the shocking conclusion....!.?>>?>?><>?<":L":P{k#R@^$&%^

yes, im out of the closet

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 07:01:50 GMT

so lukes(my ever love-filled roomate)mom is visiting from massachusetts. i am reinformed of this one evening while playing bass-all of sudden i look up and the two are walking into my room. the simialarities between luke and his mother are fairly uncanny. anyhow, we exchange greetings and she starts scoping the room. she looks at my side of the room, slowly looks up and turns her head away. to those of you who have not been in my room for the past 2 weeks, there's various pictures of friends and my name in large letters, spelled out in condoms. for this i am somewhat resentful toward luke for not giving me some type of warning that his mother would be in our humble abode during her visit. that's just the tip of the iceberg. we begin talking about who knows what when i decide to start dogging on catholithism and really just christians in general, stating that they're very unexcepting of homosexuals and then discussing the latest news of gay and lesbian marriage. Mrs. Zimmerman states that her church is in fact very accepting of all walks of sexual orientation and also informs me that she attend the same branch of churches in MA that is attended by the Christians of u of o(the Newman Center, apparently a nationwide operation). this creates a quiet unbearably awkward atmosphere in the tiny ten by ten u of o dorm room. i decide that rather than putting my big head phones on and resuming my casual strummings to leave at once without saying anything. i watched the academy awards in a friends room only to find out that finding nemo beat the tripplets of belleville for best animated film. finding nemo is admitedly rich in dankness and quite refreshing, but the french will always be better than any american. on the way back to my room i see my friend kalah. she's informs that luke's mom thinks im gay. i ask why. she say's Mrs. Zimmerman's departing statement was that she, "hopes i can find a more accepting atmosphere." i actually think i'd prefer my friends'parents thinking im gay. people these days are really cautious about being pc, especially people from our sister to the east: Massachusetts....
***
on a sidenote, collin and i decided that we're going to live with each other next year. i know that because of this we will be hanging out a lot, eating together, running together, going to artsy hipster functions together, and people are going to get the wrong idea. for some reasons ive been the target of hypothetical sexual ambiguity for the past five years of my life. it probably didn't help that i wore pink lingerie to a party two weeks ago. there's just something about two cute skinny white boys living together that screams wild butt sex. rather than fight this phenomenon, ive decided to become homosexual. i still plan on banging pussy like a german boxcar racer, however i won't enjoy one bit. life's tough when you're the minority. one love.

i am the worst human in the whole world

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 02:42:57 GMT

i just got done eating. when i was walking by the salad bar i saw that there was a spider in it. i didn't tell anyone. the crab cakes were off the charts.

mardigras night

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 09:11:47 GMT

midi bosses are fricken fresh. good old pabst blue ribbon. i just listened to deodato 2 today, also fairly dope. lately i want to start a band. im not exactly sure what type. probably more studio based than jam style. i have this dope beat that i sampled fro federic chopin (pronounced show-pan). i''ll bet europe is way cooler than america. somehow i have trouble imagining hambones in france or england. even if there are, they're probably the type that gets really drunk and starts soccer riots. i think i'd be pretty down with that. what's is everyone doing springbreak. im doing tons of cool things, but i'd be down to drop everything and hang out with friends, well-wishers, and even people i don't know. also, earlier in the day i ate catfish for the first time. carson was having mardigras night. they also served ginger lemonade. it smelt like lavender. i asked my friends collin and katie what their opinions of lavender was. i think it's really just a combination of mint and lime.

racism is not koshe~~~~

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 08:54:31 GMT

i took this class called western civilization. it's totally undank. i wanna learn this song from mega man 2 but it's way hard. nintendo music is definetly beyond dankness. Becca can't seem to grasp why people smoke pot which somehow leads me to believe that she is a hooknasty or at least heavily influenced by some hooknasty counterpart. she just can't hang with my hipster habits i guess. i want to play nintendo now. this essay is why becca is not as cool as a nintendo. P.S.-i got like 15% on the first western civ quiz but i changed it to a pass no pass.

Josh Usselman
Western Civilization
Professor Nicols
10-19-03

Mutual Control

Nature, as opposed to the supernatural, can only be defined as the act of man, moreover literally anything within man’s capability. Supernatural is distinguished from this as any power held above man, or in the case of Genesis: God. While maintaining ascendancy over the natural man, God’s role is portrayed as man’s governor. God’s duty is to reward man when He feels appeased and to punished man when He is agitated.
Monotheistic religions stress that appeasing God’s will begets positive corollaries. Violation of this dictum results in severe discipline. “…LORD God sent him forth to from the Garden of Eden…”(Genesis 3:23) Man’s first sin cast him from paradise to a life of toiling in “thorns and thistles”. Out of neglect for God’s wishes, man fathers a world of sinners in which God holds no tolerance. “…God saw earth…it was corrupt…” and divulged upon Noah, “I have determined to make an end of all flesh…”(Genesis 6:13)
The teachings of Christianity thus teach that our fate is the seed of our free will. Those who ignore this wisdom meet certain adversity while those who

follow God’s word are exalted. In this sense, the monotheistic approach to controlling the supernatural lies solely in obedience. This knowledge of sin is ingrained by means of recurrence. Every error in Genesis is accompanied with certain reprimand and places anguish on God’s shoulders. “And the Lord was sorry that he had made man…it grieved him to his heart.”(Genesis 6:6)
Although man is bound by these terms, man is also presented with an unequivocal security. The teachings of God compel man to live up to outstanding morals. One such virtue is that of not ravaging one’s fellow man, a crime obviously frowned upon by God. “…The earth is filled with violence…I will destroy them…” (Genesis 6:13) Man now sees quarrel as an hindrance to his own well being on more than just a physical level. Man may now rest assured that while his fellow man may betray him, God will inflict redemption.
The correlation between the natural and the supernatural resides in their dependency on each other. The conduct of man focuses on pacifying their creator while God’s actions are executed to manage man’s flaws. Sin is linked explicitly to prosperity and affliction. Man recognizes this connection and realizes that by heeding it he holds jurisdiction over his supernatural dictator. By the graces of God, man is free to thrive and subdue the earth so long as he abides by the guidelines sent from above.

Kate Chopin's, "The Awakening"

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 03:48:08 GMT

The Adamant Obligation of
Children and Their Role in Edna’s Suicide

Although Edna’s state of being is subject to chronic progressions, the idea of Edna’s “awakening”, breaking free of the shackles of society, goes without saying. Edna’s freedom accumulates exponentially to her own advantage and eventually to her own downfall. In a sense Chopin betrays her readers, cutting off anticipation and hope. “…Regards Edna’s suicide as a pathetic defeat that is inconsistent wit the depiction of her previous strength and achievements and accuses Chopin of a lapse from psychological subtlety into banal sentimentality.” (Wolkenfeld 241) However the complicity is greater for other culprits, Edna’s own offspring.
As we swim with Edna back to the sea gradually losing strength, we are left wondering Edna’s motives. At this point Edna has removed nearly all social restraints, save for the condemning union shared with Edna’s children, and is virtually able to pursue anything she wishes without restriction. “She had said over and over to herself: “To-day it is Arobin; to-morrow it will be someone else. It makes no difference to me, it doesn’t matter about Leonce Pontellier-but Raoul and Etienne!” (151). It becomes clear that Edna seeks a relationship less constraining than marriage remaining ardent regardless. “I forgot everything but a wild dream of your some way becoming my wife… Your wife!” (142) If the face of what Edna craves is undefined than her taste’s versatility rising dramatically to the point where any suitor could perform the role, yet something holds her back. An indestructible bond between Edna and Edna’s children is the one reality unyielding enough to hinder Edna final progression. “But ultimately Chopin places Edna’s suicide as a defeat and a regression, rooted in a self-annihilating instinct, in a romantic incapacity to accommodate herself to the limitations of reality.” (Wolkenfeld 243)
Edna holds her kin above any other human. Edna’s children are blithe, autonomous and bring delicious rapture to Edna’s life. “How glad she was to see the children! She wept for very pleasure when she felt their little arms clasping her… She looked into their faces with hungry eyes that could not be satisfied with looking.” (125)
Rather than Edna’s actions are Edna’s words that clearly state Edna’s devotion toward her progeny, “I would give up the unessential; I would give my money, I would give my life for my children; but I wouldn’t give myself.” (62) Edna even confesses to she would become a martyr for her children, so why not rejoin them? Had Edna returned to the progeny that beckoned her the joy could have only persisted for so long. “But internal anxiety and guilt have increased. And in some ways these are more morbid, harder to handle, and impose heavier burden upon the individual than external anxiety and guilt.” (Schimel 41) A lack of passion inevitably would have driven Edna insane.
There is no question that the communion Edna clenches is one of ample proportion. The reader contemplates whether this affinity is based on traditional, motivation or an unconscious impulse that Edna is unaware. This possibility is credible because the unseen forces are the base influence of the entire narrative. “An indescribable oppression, which seemed to generate in some foreign part of her consciousness, filled her whole being with a vague anguish.” (8) This serves as one of many proofs that the greatest adversary is that which is impalpable, Edna’s libidinal energy incessantly seeking some form of discharge (Freud 350).
Chopin showers us with subtle hints as to Edna’s inner yearning, conveying archetypes as a sturdy criterion for interpretation. Most obvious of all the reoccurring archetypal images throughout the story is the ocean. “The voice of the sea is seductive, never ceasing, whispering, clamoring, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander in abysses of solitude.” (152) Edna’s allure toward the sea is symbolic of Edna’s longing for spiritual consummation or fusion. The ocean reminds Edna of the affinity Edna sustained to her own matriarch within her mother’s womb. Edna tries to reconstitute this divine attachment through her own two children, the same as any other mother does. What better reason to takes one’s own life is there rather than betraying the most sacred union in the universe, a bond that outweighs even Edna’s enticement to Eros, “…the power which draws men toward God.” (Schimel 72)
Edna’s priorities are obviously blasphemous with low regard to her unattainable lovers. Even as Edna embraces Robert in fervent arms, the most logical and passionate love interest Edna has ever possessed and the one that Edna longs for across her “awakening” voyage, she leaves to attend Adele’s delivery. (143) We can only image the motives that compel Edna to leave Robert befuddled and bereft. Perhaps Edna simply craves to bear witness to remind herself of the infinite love Edna retains. Whatever the incentive dominates Edna to join her friend’s side, it is one that leads to destitution. Observing Adele in such immense pain evokes endless anguish in Edna, reminiscing birthing her own young ones. As Edna departs Adele whispers, “Think of the children, Edna. Oh think of the children! Remember them!” (146) The encounter leaves Edna haunted, ashamed, and weakened, but she persists to discover Robert has left her isolated.
Edna experiences more despondency here than anywhere else in her life does. The question is the origin of Edna’s sorrow. It could be argued the root of this is Robert’s dispossession of Edna. Considering a separate factor, however, directs attention to an alternative route. While although Robert’s absence was tortuous, deep inside, Edna knows Robert is nothing special, no different from Alcee Arobin. If any figure could have filled the empty position why end things so abruptly?
Edna knew that a life of infidelity would crush her children socially and possibly spiritually. Edna admitted she would take her life for her children. When questioned by the doctor about her summer whereabouts Edna breaks down, “…I’m am not going to be forced into things…I want to be left alone. Nobody has any right-except maybe children, perhaps…” (147) Edna’s kin gave her ecstasy and oppressed her at the same time drawing Edna to an existence which no human should have to endure.

cocaine (continued)

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 08:26:09 GMT

i kept letting the phone ring. it rang a total of about eight times. not having an answering machine is really inconvenient. my roommate walks in and asks me what im doing tonight. i say, "i think i might stay in." he assures me that only a chump would stay in on a thursday night. i've never let anyone question my manhood and i wasn't intending to start a new trend. becca leaves to meet up with an old friend.

* * *

a few hours pass. me and some dorm boys get a poker game together. my friend p--- is belligerently drunk and insists that even when he loses, a portion of the chips are still his. i get up about 12 dollars and end up losing half of it in one hand. friend p--- begins winning big. a few moments later a group of young women walk by and p--- calls out, "what's up bitches?!" i find the whole situation utterly humorous. after the game dies down p--- has grown even more warlike than before. he is irritable because he has lost a blunt and starts accusing people of stealing it. i've had enough and go to a party. i don't know anyone so i go to the bar and drink beer after beer. after about the tenth drink i decide to hit the dance floor.

* * *

i don't really remember the walk back. i run into a girl i went to highschool with and she informs me of another party near by. when we arrive it appears as though the majority of the guests were well beyond us in years. i begin talking with one about my volunteer work with green peace. he seems very impressed and lets me and my friend into the house.