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Monday, December 12th, 2005
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8:15 pm - josh on the american legal system -
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im not down with this whole assault with a deadly weapon law. what if i want to beat the shit out of someone with a beachball?
current mood:  dirty
current music: jeff beck, billie holiday, je ne sais pas plus...
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| Friday, November 4th, 2005
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8:49 pm - not such a literary device
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so, if you're reading this you probably know all about my employment, if not i work at the anual giving program which basically functions as a means of academic fundraising for the university of oregon. i remember before i began work i asked bj how easy it would be to get fired. he said impossible and that the only kid that ever got fired would pretty much just show up to work and sit in front of a computer and occasionally play with spiders. i thought that was fantastic. i figured i could just sit back and let the non-pledges accumulate, not that im trying not to get pledges. so anyhow, i, being a firm believer in archetypical occurences was sitting at work tuesday evening when i suddenly saw a spider. immediately the thought, "i wonder if i'll get fired today" ran through my mind. about 0 pledges and 45 minutes later my boss came up and took me to a more intimate setting. she gave me an ultimatum stating that if i did bring my pledge rate up to standard for my group that i would be fired in a fortnight. i always theorized that authors didn't actually realize that they were creating obscure metaphores and allusions, as well as archetypes, and simply thought that because they were so in tune with the collect conscienceness that such literary devices simply came to page naturally, as though the author was unaware. this spider obviously represents the archetype of getting fired and thus proves my theory correct. next time i'll discuss ciggarettes as a device for time.
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| Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
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2:54 pm - what up
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so i haven't updated for about sixty eight years. since the last post i went to europe, smoked pot with mother for the first time, started school, and got a job where i make nice elderly folks very cantankerous. last night i called kristen to see what she was up to. she invited me over for dinner. i fill my backpack with garbage and start biking my way over to her appartment. the other night i was biking home and made a sudden turn in the parking lot outside of my place. unfortunately it was dark and i couldn't see a concrete barrier on the ground, one might say, "ipsi laki." so im flying over the handle bars and land on my hands doing a moch cartwheel, leavng me with bloody palms. anyhow, last night, im biking down a hill and literally the only thing seperating me from being in front of her appartment is the driveway to an alley way. suddenly there is car in front of me. it must have been pulling out very quickly because i did not have time to even hit my brakes. im not exactly sure what occured during impact. when i opened my eyes i was face down on pavement on the other side of the car. my bike was also on the other side of the vehicle. i remember looking over at my big head phones on the ground and being really amazed that they weren't broken. i also had my ipod and my laptop. im pretty sure these things are broken, just very shaken up and a little bit concerned for my health. i opened my backpack and took out a pen a notebook and told them to write down their information. i called kristen and told her to go outside because i got hit by a car. she seemingly materialized next to me. i love a girl that can run outside quickly to make sure her man has not gotten dead. i went to the hospital and found nothing was broken. however, it is very large and throbbing, perhaps it thinks it is the wrong body part. jk. now i have vicadin. unfortunately drugs cannot heal the pain in my heart, i leave that to the settlement check. it should cover the medical bill and the MIP i acquired a few weeks ago. funny how the legal system likes to jirk you around like. i know these were christian folks because they were dropping their daughter of at the onyx house, a notoriously conservative living space. weekend hijinks comprise dressing up like pirates and being very sexually frustrated. my point is, they're not jewish. if they were spanish or somalian, i would probably just have walked away for fear of violating social mores.
current mood:  drunk
current music: i was listening to miles davis on impact
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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3:18 pm - oh snap
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i remember back in middle school when i played basketball, my mother's only advice to me was, "josh, try to play like the blacks kids." to this day i wish i was black.
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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11:42 pm - nothing pays the bills
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i had an oral examination today for my spanish class. i was sort of nervous because i had the whole weekend to study but i didn't. i picked probably the best student in the class to be my partner. this did not comfort me entirely. we got together about an hour before the exam to study. this was all the studying we did together. throughout the hour we just kind of joked around and basked in the lovely weather. we took the test. i was pretty nervous and stumbled on my words. looking back, i have no idea what we talked about, i just remember saying i don't eat meat because it will make a difference in the enviroment. i received a B+. it seems to me that putting effort into things is just a waste of time. as far as personal relations goes, this logic still holds true. if anyone ever confronts you and seems upset, just assume you didn't do anything wrong and then ask, "what's this really about?" i said this once to my father after he accused me of selling pot. he got really pissed off. if ever people get upset with me, it's awkward because i usually don't care about why they're angry. im sure this attitude will lead to very bad things. if i drink enough, im totally oblivious. what's the deal with passive aggressive people and why are they mostly women? im glad i have a penis.
current mood:  jubilant
current music: louis armstrong
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| Monday, February 14th, 2005
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11:14 pm - happy valen-jew
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so apparently saint valentine was really big on killing and torturing jews. i know this because there's a jew at my work. i don't think i'd mind the holocaust if they let me smoke weed the whole time. i didn't get anyone anything for v-day and now i feel like a jerk. Toni, you gave me a valentine and i love it. this entry goes out to you Toni, holla.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: can't get enough of the evans
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| Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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1:42 am - What would Josh do?
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i stole an apron from work today. i really hope i don't get fired. apparently some young woman got fired for stealing an icecream cone. im not sure which is the greater offense. today there were some people were talking about not consuming meat. one of them said they would keep eating eggs, because there's apparently nothing else you can eat for breakfast that contains protein. i butted into the conversation and said she should eat more beans. she said beans are shady. i've never felt closer to another human being. let's take a poll. if i stole an apron from you, and there was a chance that you knew i did it, would you fire me? i certainly wouldn't fire you if the roles were reversed. i would fire Jake Cash for not smoking pot. the tables have finally turned to my advantage.
current mood:  intimidated
current music: miles davis - sketches of spain, this album is essential
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
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11:36 pm - i luvs the womens
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my job is definetly employment, no doubt that they are paying me for my services. so today at work, first, im changing some type of food product for another one of equal or greater value (i work in a cafeteria). some dude is asking for sour cream when this other fuck comes up beside him and shouts, "yeah! four more years!" usually i'd laugh but i knew he was serious. i was later informed that he is the head of the student republican group at the u of o. so i chime in and say, "yeah seriously, what would the world be without bush?" they just kind of look at me. i walk to a different area and hear one of them say in the distance, "only two more years of being surrounded by these retarded liberals." anyways, i'm serving people food when this young women asks me about some type of exotic chicken. i, of course, advocate on the side of the defenseless chicken, which happens to be named something like new orleans pineapple chicken with rice. the young woman responds with, "I pay thousands of dollars to go to school here, i don't want to be forced to eat some Aunt Jamima bullshit." and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. she and a friend of her's slowly walk away. when the two are about a good 20 feet away i yell at a considerable volume, "well if you don't like Aunt Jamima then you're a racist." one of my only black co-workers happened to standing about four feet away from me when i said this. i wonder what her take on the situation was. so, keeping in mind these two groups of brilliant minds, one week ago from today, im doing the same position serving food. i get back from a break and press on this box of antibacterial hand solution (not a soap dispenser mind you, the type that does not require water that you just kind of rub your hands together) i press this with one hand underneath to catch the soap. nothing comes out so i hit it really hard. it comes out this time. however, the force of me pressing this shoots the solution down to my hand, maintains its momentum, deflects off my hand, and sprays all over the f#@$%ing food im supposed to be serving. i look around and there's no supervisors to see what i've done and suddenly there's a line of people as long as a bus. so i shrug my shoulders and start serving people food with antibacterial in it. on the one hand i would feel bad if someone died, but on the other hand they attend u of o, meaning there's about a 99.9% chance that they're some dipshit from tigard or some other focal point of wisdom. thank god for a president that realizes gays and iraqis don't have souls.
current music: johan sebastion bach, blow-job jazz
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| Sunday, November 21st, 2004
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6:37 pm - lush police
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so last night I got really drunk and blacked out at roni's birthday party. according to seth, on the walk home I called jake for no real reason in particular, probably just to see where he was. anyhow, midway (I use the word very liberally mind you) through the conversation i made it my goal to get jake to say nigga. apparently i was laying on my back in the parking lot of my apartment screaming the n-word trying to convince jake to say it. according to him the conversation went something like, "come on jake, just say it once for me," and eventually he walked outside of where ever he was and said it. i followed up him saying it with, "now say it louder." all the while this is going on seth is also laying on his back trying to kick himself up to standing position. this is around 5 in the morning. the next morning i wake up to the sounds of jake and seth telling me i have to be at work in a few minutes. jake said he heard me vomiting the night before. i told him i didn't vomit, but then i looked in my garbage can... work sucked like flies on a dead squirrel. one day i'll dead and burried and will probably look back on times like this and then become melancholy by the fact that no matter how much i dwell on it i'll never be able to appease the constant pain of longing. life is incredibly cruel.
current mood:  amused
current music: the evans
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| Friday, November 12th, 2004
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7:34 pm - the grass is always greener
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is eating out of dumpsters wrong? im not starving, and im not particularly well off (thanks poor parents). i think the idea not only proves my status as a devoted granola hippy, but also as someone who knows how to be resourceful in times of abject politics. personally, i don't think Kerry would do that much better of a job. part of me actually thinks that he was in on the election and that there was no real election. on top of things i keep having dreams that zombie aliens want to probe the earth for oil, and all the meanwhile im fixated on obtaining a digital camera to take pictures of the odd turn of events. maybe they'll destroyed america and take me to the Vatican where I'll doctor up some old gothic churches and have every christian left in the world worship hempseed oil. woody harrelson would be proud. but anyway, so i throw away such ridiculous amounts of food in the process of working in a university dining hall. how sad i once was at the sight of starving children with swollen stomaches, their eyes beckoning me and then watering. what kind of would photographer would i be, not so much in real life, but on a deeper, more stream of conscious, droning on and on level. the real question is: do i buy the camera and just assume that i won't quit or get fired from my job, or, not buy it and spend it all something else. i mean seriously, im pretty set as far as sustenance is concerned. also, i think it's about time i got a dose of reality and changed my major to something more practical. i mean, come on now, romance languages?! maybe i could major on writing articles for newspapers in the bermuda triangle. that reminds, anywhere on campus there is the potential for wireless internet. i realize that i know absolutely nothing beyond the realm of... well, i think i have good heart, when it comes to....well, im usually pretty good about returning phone calls when im not too irritable, so yeah wireless internet everywhere! i thought cellphones were supposed to bad for me. what's worse is i think im probably gonna need to get my right leg amputated. it's been a shitty past few weeks. Springbreak, who'se up for visiting canada?
current mood:  confused
current music: Crazy German Tecno, cellphone,
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| Monday, September 6th, 2004
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2:35 pm - god bless this mess
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wow, republicans. in my whole life i've met very few right wingers that are honest with themselves. they all hold ideologies like, "war is good because it will insure that america receives the chinese car market", or "why not vote for Bush, it's making my family richer," or "rich people shouldn't pay taxes because they're the ones who work hardest for their money," or "if minorities wanted to rise out of poverty they would take school more seriously," i guess that last one strays from the point but i still like it. i guess in some light, i can sympathize with these views, some more than others, however, the quote that i appreciate and respect the most was from the mouth of johny gorny, via andrew gorny, "john carry wants to turn america into europe, this is a horrible, rapist country. that's what i like about america. if someone doesn't want that type of country they should move to france." well played johny. i think in many ways this stance is utterly accurate. we've had a shit-fuck government for years and it's it's gonna get more shit-fuck in years to come. well johny, i don't think i'll live out my days in france, but i can still dream, dream and complain about how i live in rapist america and want to live in france. andrew gorny gets a blurb for razzmatazz, the finest raspberry tobacco outside of france. hats off to the gornys.
current mood:  complacent
current music: bill evans, charles mingus, razzmatazz
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| Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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12:37 pm - life is amazing
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im thinking about coming out with a new line of bumber stickers.
1. "fuck the animals, im vegan for health purposes"
2. "my other car is in your mom's pants"
3. "double stranger rocks!"
who likes spanish? i know i do. Lenny Breau is rad. P.S. i need digital performer and reason, and if possible cakewalk, i know nobody reads this, but just typing it feels cathartic. whose looking forward to go back to school... tengo esperanza por el ano segundo, disunfortunadamente no puedo tocar espanol 211.
current mood: bouncy
current music: Lenny Breau!!, espanol
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| Monday, May 24th, 2004
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6:24 pm - new move
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thought you've seen it all and done it all before, well i got a new move for the bedroom that's lost it's flare. im sure you've of the classic stranger self-gratification technique before. i was pondering this when it dawned on me: if i had someone else sit on their hand and then jirk me off, not only would they not feel it, but i would! i call it the "double-stranger." i'd recomend this tactic to anyone who isn't a loser and gets handjobs or losers that do get handjobs. also, i invented this classic seducting so anyone who wants to publish this manuever or post it on a public forum needs to personally consult my homepage, www.lemonparty.org.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: sun ra, yes, wu-tang
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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11:58 am - for goodness sake
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i went to one of my classes early. it was this new room for viewing movies. the teacher said, "isn't it nice?" i responded with thankyou. for about 3 seconds i thought the teacher said, "you look nice" and didn't make the connection that this was odd until after the transaction took place. i felt really uncomfortable and asked where the restroom was.
current mood:  high
current music: im getting a power book and im stoked!
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004
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1:32 am - livejournal? more like livejornal
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so i get really faded with a buddy and bike to duck's villiage. eventually i end up at my friend rachel's birthday where the drinking does everything but subside. i see this young woman, we'll just call her annette, and i've heard rumors about her and my friend....uh we'll call him dennis, hitting it off pretty well. the only thing i can remember hearing her say is something about wanting to know where dennis was. of course in my drunken haze i saw the perfect situation unravel before my eyes. later when dennis arrived i invited him to brunch and told him he should invite annette. becca shoots me this look like im fricken nuts or something, so naturally i reiterate what i had just suggested but did it about twice as loud. dennis is now looking at me like im crazy. soon he will be gone, somewhere out of my range of vision. becca taps my shoulder and informs me that annette is sitting literally inches to my left. to my chagrin. i was completely unaware of this. i can only imagine what is going through everyone's head, i certainly knew what was going on in mine. i forget what happened after that.
* * *
the next night i was in a situation just about if not more awkward. by now dennis and have made ammends and no harm is dealt. a circle is round and has no end. we agree that the whole misapprehension will have absolutely no negative corrolaries on our immediate future. alcohol is in the air. between about 10 and 12 shots and a couple o' beers. the two of us walk to another party. we are both loud and obnoxious. dennis says "hi" to some ladies. we decide that we should pay good ol'rachel a visit before we go to the party because her house is on the way. as im pounding the fuck out of their front door, dennis is hitting the window and yelling through it. we are let in and bj falls up against some closet doors. im trying to play it cool and maintain a somewhat intellectual conversation with rachel but bj keeps signaling to me that he wants out. yes dennis is really bj, big surprise. normally such an effusion of drunken misbehaving would be considered witty or sly, but not when rachel's roomate's parents are present. i could tell they were thrown off by the whole event. they had a dog with them. i wanted desperately to play with but bj wouldn't let me, bastard. we leave. i am driven to the brink of discomfort by the thought of how bitter these wonderful young women are at bj and myself, but probably more bj. what a goof. the next party is cool. i drank tobasco sauce yet again in the process of making myself inebriated.
current mood: amused
current music: cloud dead, stringchees incident, hippies are cool i guess
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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4:49 pm - just thought of this
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Q: why don't m & m's melt in jesus' mouth?
A: because they fall through the holes in his hands.
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4:15 pm - john steinbeck sucks and christians are destroying the world
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what an odd spring break this was. yes, for once i'll address the subject of my update. so im reading the grapes of wrath thinking to myself, "wow, it's really no wonder that this crap is assigned to middle schoolers." not to say the book doesn't illustrate great points on the rise of capitalism, i don't feel at all challenged and i don't consider myself a very intelligent person. and to top shit off i left my razor at my house. i probably look like some type of rodent-canine creature but im not sure because im too apprehensive to look in the mirror. i lost eminem's first cd which is actually really fricken dope. im thinking that the best way to learn about yourself is becoming emerged in a variety of different types of music. there is something to be said about people that only listen to one artist. anyhow, i called my friend abe, who i want to start a band with, asking if he could burn me the cd before i departed back to eugene. but, being a gentleman about the situation i asked how his break went. he went to disneyland and had fun. then naturally he asked me what i did. i told about how i went to benji's cabin and encountered problems i usually don't come across. never underestimate the value of teamwork. what's good for the group is good for the individual. maybe steinbeck had a point. william faulkner though, he's a pimp. southern america at it's finest from multiple perspectives and non-linear plot developement-good god this guy's fuckin nuts. kind of funny that he was only an alcoholic and never really dabbled in psycadelics. maybe that just wasn't happening in his day. it's kind of funny to think that a one point in time people actually didn't know what it meant to be homosexual. gay marriage is koshe in my book. leave it to the christians to have horrible politics and no charractor. i'd like to end this entry with a prayer: dear lord, please protect the world from your ignorant followers who have grossly misinterpretted your teachings and started a war with muslims. to me it would only make sense that your son's first words of advice, "love one and other" would pertain to fags and towell heads as well as their rich white conservative brothers.
current mood:  irate
current music: wagon christ, the reverend al green
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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11:10 am - WHAT THE F???
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anyhow, back to the story. so after this army of silkworms is crawling on my ceiling i kind of lose any type of pertinent memory, just flashes, bits and pieces. for a really long time i thought i was in my friend jake's basement. i kept crawling around in the dark knocking over random things which i thought were musical instruments or equipment. it was also hard because jake's parents who i fear like no other adults were sitting right outside the room working on a bike or something. i wasn't sure exactly what i was crawling toward but later i had an uncontrollable urge to urinate. suddenly a sink appeared in the middle of the room and i asked if i could pee in it. of course jake being the sweet kid he is said yes. the next morning there was a puddle of urine on my carpet. i grabbed some dirty clothes to soak up the moistness then i sprayed some air freshener on it. im pretty sure it's dry now.
current mood: content
current music: andrew gorny, bjork, ani di franco
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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8:34 pm - son of a bitch! im so fuckin vegan
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anyhow, to those of you who read my last entry, you may recall luke's mother and i had a disagreement as to the tolerance of the catholic church, more specifically the one she attends which is the same one right off campus here(the newman center). anyhow, collin asks me one day if i'll go to church with him and i agree for whatever reason. so during the part where everyone gets a chance to say their own prayer and the whole "lord hear our prayer bit," one person says, "to the evils of abortion and all those affected by it." right after this prayer comes, "that the problem of homosexual marriages may soon be solved." so mrs. zimmerman, where's your god now? so much for the newman center being tolerant. then again these prayers came from people in the audience and not the preachers, but then again(again), the chances that these views are a reflection of what they're taught seem really high. once i ate a ton of benadryl and got really high. i was sitting on the floor in the middle of my room when i noticed a tapeworm swinging around on the wall. i knew that if the tapeworm came at all close to an opening in my skin that the consequences were potentially negative. a moment later i saw a small swarm of flies engulfing a shoe of mine. i remember the shoe made the back of my right foot bleed for some foolish reason and just assumed that the flies were blood thirsty. (once a ferret tastes blood it is ruined as a house pet). i took the shoe, opened my door and dropped it right outside. next thing i know, im lying in bed staring at the ceiling when my room begins to gradually get darker. i notice a silk. i do not fear the silk worm because at the time im rational enough to realize that silk worms would not intentionally harm a human being. next i notice there's surprising abundance of silk worms crawling on my ceiling. as the room grows almost pitch black the army of silk makers begin to glow neon purple. that's when things got really weird.
stay tuned for the shocking conclusion....!.?>>?>?><>?<":L":P{k#R@^$&%^
current mood:  mischievous
current music: johnny cash, jaco pastorious, eminem
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| Monday, March 1st, 2004
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10:31 pm - yes, im out of the closet
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so lukes(my ever love-filled roomate)mom is visiting from massachusetts. i am reinformed of this one evening while playing bass-all of sudden i look up and the two are walking into my room. the simialarities between luke and his mother are fairly uncanny. anyhow, we exchange greetings and she starts scoping the room. she looks at my side of the room, slowly looks up and turns her head away. to those of you who have not been in my room for the past 2 weeks, there's various pictures of friends and my name in large letters, spelled out in condoms. for this i am somewhat resentful toward luke for not giving me some type of warning that his mother would be in our humble abode during her visit. that's just the tip of the iceberg. we begin talking about who knows what when i decide to start dogging on catholithism and really just christians in general, stating that they're very unexcepting of homosexuals and then discussing the latest news of gay and lesbian marriage. Mrs. Zimmerman states that her church is in fact very accepting of all walks of sexual orientation and also informs me that she attend the same branch of churches in MA that is attended by the Christians of u of o(the Newman Center, apparently a nationwide operation). this creates a quiet unbearably awkward atmosphere in the tiny ten by ten u of o dorm room. i decide that rather than putting my big head phones on and resuming my casual strummings to leave at once without saying anything. i watched the academy awards in a friends room only to find out that finding nemo beat the tripplets of belleville for best animated film. finding nemo is admitedly rich in dankness and quite refreshing, but the french will always be better than any american. on the way back to my room i see my friend kalah. she's informs that luke's mom thinks im gay. i ask why. she say's Mrs. Zimmerman's departing statement was that she, "hopes i can find a more accepting atmosphere." i actually think i'd prefer my friends'parents thinking im gay. people these days are really cautious about being pc, especially people from our sister to the east: Massachusetts....
***
on a sidenote, collin and i decided that we're going to live with each other next year. i know that because of this we will be hanging out a lot, eating together, running together, going to artsy hipster functions together, and people are going to get the wrong idea. for some reasons ive been the target of hypothetical sexual ambiguity for the past five years of my life. it probably didn't help that i wore pink lingerie to a party two weeks ago. there's just something about two cute skinny white boys living together that screams wild butt sex. rather than fight this phenomenon, ive decided to become homosexual. i still plan on banging pussy like a german boxcar racer, however i won't enjoy one bit. life's tough when you're the minority. one love.
current mood: irate
current music: prince paul, jane's addiction, eric dolphy
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